I just needed a quick share

I haven’t been able to write lately which I’m finding makes me a bit cranky.  I have things to pass along, and thoughts, and moments.  Whether you care to hear them, I care to share them.  But I got that whole new job thing so I spent hours shopping because, lets face it, my old wardrobe won’t do anymore.  I had some of those clothes for awhile and the rest reminded me of Bill and really a new job just means new clothes. 

Then my sister finds out her fiancé is having an emotional affair with some stripper over the internet who lives in Vegas.  This causes my mother to act like we are in the middle of some soap opera and in one night she gives this more attention and support than she has given me in my entire situation.  This obviously pisses me off to numerous levels.  When I tell her about my elation of the new job her response was- Perhaps you can learn to mind you P’s and Q’s at this job.  Thanks for killing it for me, Mom. 

In the midst of the drama and the crazy stripper threatening the shit out of my sister (which really you should not threaten her, she can be mean back) I kinda sent her fiancé an email saying he had a lot of explaining to do.  This lead him to return an email calling me a tramp, hypocrite, and other fill in the blanks that lasted a very long paragraph.  My mood continued to fall.

Now I’m adjusting Bear’s schedule for the weekend because we leave for the funeral tomorrow which is 10 hours away and we are coming back the very next day.  But there is an old friend (my college roommate) going with us and people to pick up along the way at airports and people meeting us there.  Hotels to book, clothes to pack, and we are going to be missing Thanksgiving with Dustins side of the family, early I know.  But my bitch of a sister-in-law still wants me to drop off the food items I was suppose to contribute.  So there is more shopping. 

Oh, and remember Lisa is in Cancun?  Her sister is in town watching all three kids and running the house and having morning sickness all day.  So I spend a lot of time running the 20 minutes (ok I don’t run, I drive) over to her house to bathe, feed, pick up, and make sure the kids are still alive and the sister isn’t losing her mind. 

Not to mention the conversations Dustin and I have partaken in the past few days and I’m on one hell of an emotional roller coaster.

I got a job!!

I can’t believe I am going from such a horrible post this morning to this post but I have to do it and sometimes that is the way life goes. I got a job!! A career job!  I interviewed with a company yesterday that called today and said they canceled the other interviews and were just going to go with me! ME! They even matched my desired salary!  It isn’t my dream job but it is one of those companies that once you are in…well, you are in.  Then I have lots of room to grow and advance!

7 Months! 7 Months of looking and it finally paid off!  I can slide my heels back on and the adorable outfits and go to work and meet new people and be important again.  I can feel accomplished and that by the end of the day I have made myself a better person!  Yay with hand clapping!

P.S. My last day at the shit eating photography job is tomorrow.  I’m not going. 

Phone calls we dread

Last night we received a phone call that everyone dreads.  A friend of ours from college committed suicide leaving behind his 11-year-old son and wife of 2 years.  He was a baseball player with Dustin and his roommate and best friend for 3 years.  My college roommate and very good friend dated him for 3 years.  The four of us were inseparable, spending every weekend together and partaking in several road trips.  They were to the point of getting married when they decided to test other avenues and never got back together but remained friends.  He moved back home to his family and son that he had in high school.  He was an outstanding Dad for being so young when he had him.

The phone tree started last night and every player was contacted, flights booked, cars rented, hotels booked, and a car pool for the rest of us put together.  I picked up the phone and dropped the news to my former roommate who I have since lost contact with over the years.  She lost it.  Absolutely lost it.  I wish I could have been next to her instead of 20 minutes away over the phone.  Instead we sat and cried together and recalled memories and asked why? We could have picked 20 other people from college that would have chosen this path before this man. 

Once all the phone calls were made I sat on one couch and Dustin on the other and I cried.  He had yet to say anything or shed a tear.  I wanted some sort of comfort, take my hand, give me a hug, anything.  But instead he said he was going to bed and with that left the room. This is our marriage.  Denial. Denial. Denial.  It doesn’t matter what it is.  I know him well enough to know that there will be no more acknowledgment than just this.  We all deal with things in our own way but pure denial at all times doesn’t do the soul much good.

Ding Ding Man

So after battling another rough night with minimal sleep I put on my heels and headed to a job interview.  One of the very few I have had considering my pathetic, annoying, really hated lovely photography job is up at the end of this week.  Yay!  I had a good gut feeling about this place.  I didn’t feel the weight of Bill on my shoulders as I pulled in the parking lot.  I was doing good till I got out of the truck and began walking to the door and giving myself a pep talk.   I heard it off across the street….the dinging.  Can I make it 5 fucking steps in my life without a memory pelting me in the face?  The answer here is apparently no.

It was last year at this time and Bill and I had to run into the pharmacy.  We pulled in the parking lot and I bounced around in my seat clapping my hands.  The ding ding man is out! It is officially the holidays! Bill looked at me, quite used to my outbursts, and asked what the hell a ding ding man was. You know, the man from the Salvation Army that stands outside the stores to collect change during the holidays with the red kettle and the bell that goes ”ding ding”.  He just laughed and I jumped out of the truck and we headed into the store.  Bill got change with his purchase and turned to hand it to me.  OK, holiday dork, want to give the change to the ding ding man?  Of course I did.

Every time he went into a store that had a ding ding man last season he would dig in his pockets for the change and text me to say how it reminded him of me when I wasn’t next to him.  Made him smile every time.  He also proceeded to make fun of me often for this.  He was just as much a holiday dork too so it made us laugh.  Does he think about it this year?  Does it stop him in his tracks?

Well, the fucking ding ding men are back out and instead of my normal joy, I stopped dead in my tracks and saw him smiling at me, that memory slamming together like it was yesterday.  I know the holidays are going to be brutal.  It is just the beginning of what I’m going to have to push aside.  So I left the memory at the door and went to attack another interview.

Who is going to catch you?

The room is full, the TV way to loud, bodies everywhere, kids screaming and tugging on your pants.  Your mind is racing, trying to handle everything until he walks in the room and no one else may see it but I do, because I have been there.  That look.  The faint smile that reads across both your lips in acknowledgment that causes both of you to relax a bit, shoulders dropping down, you take a deep breath.  You just spent time alone that morning but it seems so long ago and of course it wasn’t enough.  It never is.

To many people to notice yet more people to possibly catch you.  He grazes his hand across your butt as he walks by to grab a beer.  You reach for his hand for an instant by the sink.  I tell you no one is watching as you transfer a child between you and steal a quick kiss.   

There is no way to sit by each other, the room is packed.  Your husband yells at you in front of all your guests.  That man on the other side of the room sends you a text and says otherwise and that you are beautiful.  Comments are made in conversation that only I would catch the true meaning but everyone else just laughs.  Your husband yells some more and even I speak up that he should watch what he says but he is drunk and people think it is funny.  You slip into the bathroom to fight off tears and both him and I follow.  You lean your head on his chest as I sit on the edge of the tub.  It is a simple gesture but one I know well.  He whispers I love you and it makes the world ok again.  Gives you the power to keep going.  I turn my own eyes away because it just brings up my own pain, damn I miss his arms wrapped around me like that.

No one notices when we all emerge from the bathroom to clean the kitchen.  Your obnoxious husband slaps my ass.  I am not the first person he has tried this with tonight, so he goes to find the only girl in the house who will give him attention.  The one you know he is sleeping with.  What a tangled mess.  The emotions are running deep and things are hanging by a thin wire.  But just like me you have responsibilities and things to keep doing.  Guests to be attended to, diapers changed, children to bed, messes to clean.  You know both men will be there tomorrow but tomorrow is just another day.  You look at me but say you would rather continue this way instead of drowning in the nothingness.  The nothingness you must see me drown in on my bad days.

He is still there and helps clean up for the night and put the children to bed as your own husband dismisses it all.  He takes his own sleeping child in his arms to leave and slips you one more quick kiss.  He says a thank you to me as I give him that same warning glance….be careful with her.  The door closes softly and you look at me with a great sigh and shrug your shoulders.  How the hell did you do this without collapsing? I did it because he stood next to me and I trusted him to catch me.

Mold, yoga and violating my bits

A few quick things for the weekend:

1) I have taken my yoga to the next level.  I started at a new studio that has Bikram yoga.  Essentially this is a series of 26 positions in a room that is heated to 105 degrees and you go at it for 90 minutes.  (You go at it as in you do yoga- not sex) Sound horrible?…no it is fucking awesome.  Almost as good as sex.  Try it.  Even if you have never done yoga find a place and at least go once.  Then go twice because you will hurt so bad from the first time you won’t want to go back but the second is even better.  Then you are addicted.  No, you don’t have to be flexible or anything else you are questioning.  It is so good for you, your health and if you want to lose a few pounds this is a great way to go at it. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2) Lisa is leaving for Cancun next week with her husband, man on the side, and his wife.  Who can say bad idea? And who wants to take bets that shit is going to hit the fan? I say 98% chance they are going to get caught going at it.  I’ll be picking her up at the airport.

3) I have another sinus infection.  Again.  Better than the Ms Piggy flu but it still sucks. 

4) I think I got violated during my massage this morning.  His hand grazed an awful lot of my womanly bits.  There was nothing soothing about this massage either.  I think he ran into the bed table thing about 30 times jarring me out of my half sleep and threw my limbs around a little more than I care to have done to me.  He didn’t get a tip.  Not that I ever tip at this place because they suck big time and I only leave there feeling like I was felt up.  Unfortunately I’m stuck with them for a one year contract.  Don’t ask….Bill got me into the place. I continue to see a different personal masseuse on the side who rocks.  And leaves my bits alone. 

5) I’m driving a rental truck because although my husband works at a place that has 5000 vehicles on just the Ford lot, I have to rent one.  Don’t ask.  I could have driven his extra car.  The one he drives in the winter when his Mustang is in storage.  But it is the biggest piece of shit you have ever seen.  A 16-year-old wouldn’t even drive that thing.  So they give me a rental that Dustin picked up and I get into it this morning to find it dirty and smells of smoke.  Seriously? Smoke? Because my sinus infection, snotting, congestion and sneezing isn’t enough lets add to it.  Now my clothes also smell.  Eww.  Just eww.  I have to drive the damn thing for 10 days because that is how long it is going to take to get my tires in.  My $1300 tires in.  Yes, I typed that right.  Plus a rental.  Did I mention I was going to get new brakes put on the beast this week anyways.  Might as well just keep spending the money. 

6) About a month ago I replace the inside shower curtain liner when I bought a pretty new outside one.  (Ok, I bought a new one because I shrunk the old one.)  I do this maybe twice a year only because it starts yellowing on the bottom or whatever.  Yesterday I had a first.  I got in the shower to discover mold on the bottom of the curtain.  Ewww. I have never had this problem before.  I hung my head upside down to inspect but like hell if I was going to touch it.  In this mornings shower I noticed it growing at a fast rate and crossing all over the bottom of the shower curtain. I’ll be visiting Target today to buy a new one. 

 

South Dakota visit

My reasoning for venturing to South Dakota was to visit Sadie and her family.  Sadie used to work in the same company as me. Her Dad, Gary, and Bill have been very close friends for years.  They haven’t spoken to one another since Bill left me but they are now getting back on speaking terms.  Her father decided to leave the company about little over a year ago to run a hunting/fishing resort on a lake.  (If you know people who are interested in these kind of places, let me know. I can hook you up.)

I did a tour of the grand town of Pierre and we went to get a bite to eat.  Conversation has a way of leading straight to Bill sometimes more often than not and sure enough we landed there.  We spoke of him leaving the company and moving on, to what we weren’t sure, and the deep worry I’m holding over this.  It all lead back to the Why? in all of it.  You know, sex reassignment and abduction by aliens.

The last these dear friends have seen of Bill was when I was in England.  Bill went up to visit them at my insistence.  I knew he needed to get away and Gary was just the person to ease his mind.  Gary and the rest of the family supported Bill and I in every way.  I can not even explain how huge of a support they were to both of us.  We thought they would be the people to walk out the door and turn their backs to us, but they were just the opposite.  They never liked D and made as much very clear to Bill.  Gary was the sort to look Bill in the eye and say It is ok.  Focus on you and Shannon now.  It is ok to be happy.  You were meant to be together.  I remember talking to Bill while he was up there and he felt so much better.  He told me he was so excited to come back and see me and couldn’t wait till him and I could go back up together to see them all.

 Gary and the family took Bill leaving me as hard as I did.  Ok, perhaps not that hard, but they were shocked.  That is perhaps a reason why Bill and Gary are just now talking to each other again.  I wanted to poke and prod the other day but I have to leave them to their own friendship and I refuse to question.  Gary doesn’t know the answer either. 

After supper we walked down by the lake and Sadie said It must be so hard to miss him like this.  No, the hardest part is standing under a million stars and missing him alone.  Being in a spot where once again we were suppose to come together.

Let me draw the line for you

It is midnight and I’m frustrated.  I’m typing it out cause I’m annoyed and there is no way sleep can come when I have tears burning in my eyes.  Once again Dustin’s job reared its nasty head and it pissed me off and once again he sided with his job and I was left standing there with my mouth hanging open.  How does he not see this? How did he ever think we were going to be able to continue like this and have a family and a LIFE? I get how hard it is to really see things until you stand on the outside and go”ooooohhh, now I get it!” but apparently a divorce staring him the face doesn’t do it for him.  I don’t know what will. 

I can call a friend and bitch it out but you see they just don’t fully understand it either because they aren’ t stuck in this god for fuckinsaken company.  I’m not in it for much longer but it is going to follow me around and haunt me with the sharing of a child between us and his fucking schedule.  Do you know what everyone in town calls the wives that have husbands at this company? Company Widows.  Sick, is it not?  Because they are never home.  But just try opening your mouth to another wife and complaining and it is like they are sucked in to it and look at me like I’m mad.  They are happy supper is at 9 pm and never making weekend plans because the husband works every Saturday. You need to take a day off 6 months in advance and don’t even think about going anywhere for Christmas because they work till 4pm Christmas Eve and it is mandatory for everyone to be there the 26th.  Leaving an hour early for your child’s program at school? Don’t even bothering asking.  The answer will be no. 

But don’t worry.  I worked today, made supper, cleaned, did laundry, picked up Bear from school, helped her with homework, went through all her take home papers, gave her a bath, put away the Halloween decorations, took out the trash,and baked a fucking pie.  Glad he could come home, eat his supper, ignore the fight we were in the middle of and watch football.  Your fucking welcome.

Bill used to say it was like some movie that I can’t possibly think of right now.  What does all this come down to? There was once again a line drawn tonight where I needed that one person to stand up for me.  I’m left to do it on my own and look at a man I married looking right through me and having no problems closing his eyes tonight.  I’m left standing alone because the one person I leaned on backed away so I can’t fucking topple on my own and I also can’t get any sleep and I have to work in 4 hours.  But then I was the one who had the dirty word…affair….I can see it in Dustin’s eyes sometimes….You did it, you deserve this.  It’s like it exempts him from everything here on out and he will always be right.  Fuck.  Fuck that.

Dreams vs Reality

Preface: (I have some of the most intense dreams.  It has led me to take numerous classes on dream analysis and so on.  Weird, I know.)

I had a dream last night.  I looked up and there he was.  Walking towards me.  Everything disappeared.  All the hurt, loneliness, fear, anger…gone.  It was just us again.  I gave in instantly and he wrapped his arms around me and said it is almost over.  I’ll be home soon and everything will be ok.  It is all because I love you, there is no other way.  I could breathe him in and feel the weight of him against me. He squeezed his arms tighter around me and kissed my forehead.  I reached up to run my finger along his scar to see if he was real.  He looked me in the eyes as I did, smiled, and then was gone.  I woke up with my heart pounding and sweat running between my shoulder blades.  I could still smell him and feel his grip on me.

Reality has a way of weighing down and winning in these circumstances.  I got up with the sun, grabbed a cup of coffee, glanced at my To Do List and settled in front of my computer.  He isn’t here, I keep going.  It is one of those dreams that will stay with me for the rest of the day but I won’t let my mind go there because I have to get groceries, pick up Bear from school and she will have homework we have to go through.  I still feel his breath against my face but I have phone calls to make, emails to return and that minor problem of finding a job.  Because as much as I wish him here everyday life has a way of going on without you.  Your dream world and reality play out much differently than you may ever suspect.

Fairy Tale #2- Jack and Rachel

I’m having a hard time getting my post out about my South Dakota trip so instead I thought I would share another story with you.  I really hate cliches.  Really hate them.  I have heard them all lately.  The whole “If it was meant to happen…” “It’ll work out in the end…” Blah Blah.  Yea, I get that but I don’t want them referenced at me right now.  But this couple you can look at and see.  That is because it is so much easier to look back on the story and understand how it is supposed to work.  You know, serendipity, fate and all that shit.  Poetic, I know.

Once upon a time….

There was a girl named Rachel.  She was a career driven woman straight out of college and working her way to the top.  She met a man one night who fit nicely into her life.  Also a business man and they ran in the same social circles.  They married for convience and after 10 years realized how absolutely boring that was going to be and they both moved on. 

Rachel met another nice young man named Carter.  He had it all and they were in love.  If she thought the first marriage had nothing in it then she knew this next one would.  They were the all American couple.  They moved in together and began planning the wedding and their life together.  Before the big day arrived Rachel found out she was pregnant.  One would think this would just mean “oops.” Not to Carter.  Didn’t she know he didn’t want kids? Ever. Apparently they missed that conversation.  He said it was the baby or him and she chose to keep her baby.  Carter signed away his rights and said he never wanted to hear from her again. She canceled the wedding and had no where else to turn but to that one place most of us don’t want to go.  Back across a few states to the town you grew up in, back to the parents house.

As she pouted around town, of the end of everything around her, most towns people weren’t real supportive.  They merely came over to get the gossip on the girl they hadn’t seen in years who was knocked up.  One person did come by that Rachel had forgotten about.  Jack.  A man she dated a few times early in High School.  He started taking her out and lifting her spirits day by day and soon they were quickly falling in love. 

The day her son was born Jack was next to Rachel’s side holding her hand.  A few weeks later they were married and he adopted the baby boy as his own.  They now live in the same small town, running business out of the same building and have added a daughter to their family.  Funny how things have a way of working out in the end.  And so they lived happily ever after…

 Remember- If you have a story you want to share let me know! Even if it isn’t your own! lovedyoumore @ hotmail dot com