It as been a year

I was really trying to be a big girl, the strong me, the one I’ve worked on so hard for months but this week is doing me in.  Why?  This was the week we told our spouses.  This was the week there was one conversation after another.  This was the week we moved in together.  This was the week that he picked out our bed.  This was the week that I had my first Valentines Day that I didn’t hate, knowing I had my best friend there for me.  This was the week a year ago that my life changed forever. 

I can remember every minute of it, everyday.  I feel like it is happening all over again in some moments.  I give myself the pep talks but lets face it- I just have to feel it.  I’ll get out of bed like I do everyday, shower and drive into work.  I’ll do the motions but the whole time I’m thinking damn, I never saw it ending like this.  Living everyday with the shadow of him.  Going to bed alone when just a year ago I felt the safest I ever had. 

Right now, in this moment, I still miss him.   I wish I could tell you it was just the thought of a person around I miss but it isn’t.  It is the man who made me laugh everyday.  The man who looked me in the eyes and I knew his thoughts.  The man that I have told you every story about.  The man that I was planning on marrying on a beach one day and spending the rest of my life with.  I could take his hand any time and know that we were in this life together.  I can close my eyes and see him perfectly.  We had dreams, plans for a baby, a home, a life that went on and on.  Above all else- we had love.  Right now, in this moment, I wish I knew what he was thinking.  I wish I could sit across from him in a room for 3 minutes.  We don’t have to talk.  But then I’ll know, because that man couldn’t lie to me. 

If I could do it over again, I would.  No hesitation.  If he walked in the door tomorrow, I wouldn’t kick him out.  But tonight, I know he will haunt me in my dreams like the previous two nights.  I’ll get up and walk the floors and stare out the windows.  I won’t reread the little red book but I’ll pick it up and think about it.  Then I’ll get up tomorrow and I’ll go to work like everything is normal.  Mainly, because in my office now, no one knows him.  They don’t know I lost the love of my life.  That my boss, my best friend, walked out on me.  That a year ago that man held my hand, said it would be ok, told me he loved me, promised me the world and I believed him.

Don’t walk away

I’ve done a lot of trying with Dustin lately.  Trying in the sense of giving him space, respecting him more, not snapping so much, stopping to listen and make sure I’m not talking over him.  I’ve tried to give him the same respect that I asked him to give and I feel like I’m getting nothing in return.  We discussed, that while he was debating on what the fuck he really wants then, we would at least work on respecting one another.  Apparently that only meant me. 

Tonight he once again through up his hands in frustration at me and walked away.  This anger started building up in me but there was no use in screaming.  He wouldn’t listen, he wouldn’t talk, he would just close up as always and ignore it.  I stood there watching him walk away and realized I’ve lost track of how many times he has turned his back on me. Only once did Bill walk away. 

It isn’t like Bill and I never fought or got frustrated but we didn’t walk away.  We may have given each other space (something I know I need when I’m pissed) but he never let me down.  We made each other face the fears and say the words that we may not have wanted to say.  But we didn’t go to bed angry, we didn’t hold it in, and an hour later we were having hot make up sex on the couch.  He never made me feel alone, he never disappointed me, he never let me down.  Until that one day.  Yet, repeatedly Dustin has done each of those things and still continues to do so.  And I’m suppose to be the horrible person here? 

Tonight he walked out the door without a word and tonight that old feeling of missing Bill came up.  A person can only take so many punches.  I’m exhausted.  I’m tired of trying to make it ok, and juggle the world and fucking smile.  I’m tired of giving him all the fucking room in the world to “work” on his own shit.  I’m tired of being the adult all the time for everyone and everything.  I’m tired of still running this whole home, finances and all while he gets a bachelor life. I’m tired of missing Bill and I just want to rip into him.  Because hating both of these men in my life is exhausting, especially when I still love one and falling out of love is proving impossible.  Tonight is one of those nights where I just want to give into the feeling of going home.  Going into our old place, curling up against his body, closing my eyes and knowing nothing bad was going to happen.  I know tomorrow will be better but for right now I’m just  fucking exhausted.

Out with the old phone

Today I went out and did something I had been dreading to do.  I bought a new phone. I know it doesn’t seem like quite the crisis one might imagine but Bill and I had matching phones.  Not on purpose.  He just walked in with his one day as I was ready to go out and buy mine.  And he did what he always did when he bought something- handed it over to me with that adorable look and said Make it work please.  This also went for his camera, our surround sound, and TV.  I let him start these projects but eventually it was me finishing.  He was better left to carry heavy things. 

Back to my point- the other important thing about this was that I still had saved texts from Bill on my cell.  Not just any random ones, but the last ones he sent me.  It took me a few months before I even realized I accidently saved them, but I did.  There was a joke about how I loved sex on our couch, one stating his hope for our future and the last, an I love you and goodnight.  It was 12 hours after those texts that my life changed.  I didn’t look at them often because it would make my stomach lurch but there was also some comfort there. 

Today I took a clean phone and started all over.  I slowly started tapping my way through the new Droid feeling a bit disabled.  Transitioning to a new phone is just like everything else.  It takes time, it takes some thought, but eventually you get used to it and life gets back to normal.  I’m just waiting for normal to settle in.

Another “I saw Bill day”

You know your day isn’t going to go so well when he is in your dreams all night.  He hasn’t been there in awhile but there he is reaching for your hand.  Another glaring sign is when your alarm goes off and the song blaring is your song. 

I had to give myself a pep talk in the shower.  Today would be a day to have my guard up a bit.  It could be something, it could be small, it could be big, or it could be nothing but either way I’m fine.  I’m better than fine.  I can handle this day. 

Over my lunch hour I had a rough conversation with my Mom and from there remembered I needed to run into Target.  It was just for two things.  Birthday card and milk.  (I drink a lot of damn milk for living on my own.) I didn’t survey the parking lot. (My pep talk was obviously not very good at 5:30am.) I didn’t think until I walked in the door and my stomach lurched.  I can’t explain how we always knew with each other but we did.  We knew when the other was close by or needed something.  He was there.  But fuck if I was turning around.  I am a strong, independent woman and I also knew I had you guys to report to.  Running out of Target was not an option.  Head down and straight for my two items. 

I made it through without throwing up my chili or seeing him but then I walked out the doors.  That shiver ran down my spine.  That feeling when you know someone is watching you.  He might as well have been standing behind me about to put his arms around my waist.  I didn’t look around until I got in my truck and there he was.  Driving across the parking lot.  More like driving like a maniac across the parking lot.  Running.  I sure as fuck wasn’t running or going out of my way. He stopped, I stared, no tears, I was in a fighting mood. More like, I would like to hit your truck with mine but I wasn’t going to break down. 

More play by play led to him taking off and me turning the other way.  Two hours everyone.  I sat at my desk and shook for two hours.  I called Lisa.  I gave myself a better pep talk.  Then I was fine.  Two hours.  Not a whole wacked out day.  Just two hours.  My new record.  When I calmed down my mind took a new turn.  I know what was going through my head but what goes through his?  He isn’t invincible.  You can’t ignore what happened.  What does he feel in those moments?  What makes him stop,  pause, then run?   Either way, I’m going to bed with a clear head tonight.  Somehow I doubt he is.

A moment to pause

Dustin and I finally made it down to see our friends new babies in the hospital. A fight occurred over something that I can’t even remember now, which caused us to drive into the beautiful sunset as I sat holding back my tears, not that he noticed.  It was a silent drive followed by a silent trip through the quiet hospital to the NICU.  We greeted our friends where I’m sure our tension was felt by everyone. We washed up and tip toed into the first baby boys NICU room that he will call home for at least 11 more weeks. 

I have seen preemies and I have seen babies born but my breath was taken away.  Never in my life have I seen a 1lb 3 oz baby lying in a room fighting so hard for his life as his twin brother did the same, with only an ounce more, in the room next to him.  His Dad showed us feet that you couldn’t even see toe nails on and he was still covered in the hair that was suppose to be gone before he entered this world.  His father took his wedding band off and easily slipped it up his sons tiny arm and it didn’t come close to touching his skin.  While I stood among the beeping of monitors, speechless I looked up and saw his glowing parents.  They stood with their arms around each other and told us the personality differences in the boys and the fights they overcome everyday. 

Suddenly my problems seemed so small.  What the hell were Dustin and I bitching about on the way there? No idea.  But there was life in that room.  Life that needed 3 more months before it  was born.  Life that shouldn’t have to fight so hard.  We fight against each other so hard but if we learned to go at it together, wouldn’t we accomplish so much more.  These parents are forging ahead with open hearts and minds everyday.  These parents are working together to help these tiny lives learn to breathe.  The were 12 days old and their parents had yet to hold them in their arms, but they weren’t complaining.   

As I watched their tiny chests being pumped up and down by ventilators I thought of Gabe.  Not realizing as I stood there she had already taken her last breath.  I thought of how life just isn’t fair sometimes and it is brought into this world and taken away to soon.  But there are fights in the middle of it all that we can control.  Then there is just the rest, and we can choose how to take control of that or we can let someone else control it.  Either way we need to peel away and find what is important.  I know this sound like the typical be grateful,  live life to the fullest, be appreciate of what you have post but I think sometimes we need the reminder to take a step back and reevaluate. 

oh right, the date

The only person that I can stand at work is Trainer.  He is all of 22 and just married with a bucket load of single friends.  For some reason Trainer has decided that I need to meet every one of them.  I gave him my criteria knowing that none of this would go well because in all reality they are all to young.  For the sake of taking steps forward I figured they would all be good for me in the training department.  My basic criteria- done with school, has their own place that has no more than one roommate, has a job that requires a degree of some sort and not ugly.  Seems pretty basic right?  We are just talking out to drinks.  In real life I swear I’m aiming much higher than this.

Tuesday morning Trainer suggests to me that I should skip yoga and I could meet up with him, his wife, and TW2 (Training wheels #2) If you’ll recall I was having a rough day on Tuesday, what with my underwear and all, but he talked me into it.  Trainer failed to mention to TW2 that he was meeting me.  I didn’t realize the poor kid didn’t understand what was going on till he walked in and sat down.  To make a boring few hours quick it was just that-boring.  TW2 didn’t say a whole lot and I gave up the interviewing process with him.  It felt rude.  He was clearly to young for me.  I honestly wish I could give you more than this.  Like we danced the night away and had hot sex in his car but he didn’t even walk me to my truck, just waved a hand and said nice to meet ya as he walked away. 

My problem is I’m used to MEN.  TW2 sat and talk about how he misses college and partying.  He just graduated in May. I’m used to Bill talking about his college days and then making fun of him because I would have still been in diapers.  I don’t want to go through the whole phase of growing up with a guy again while he figures out what he wants to do. I want someone settled into who they are and their career.  The best part of all of this is the fact that I do get to work on my list of what I want and what I’m looking for. 

Trainer came to my desk to make fun of me today for having a date last night, getting flowers from another today and well, we’ll see what tomorrow brings.  He also told me TW2 thought I was hot and would like to do drinks again.  Really? No, thanks.  Perhaps we can all go out as friends.  There wasn’t a flicker of anything there.  It could have been due to the underwear but it just wasn’t working. Trainer then asked me if I was going to blog about it.  Who knows why I told him I do this, but I did.  I told him I don’t use anyones name but naturally date boy would be TW2.  He laughed.  And of course I’m going to blog about it. 

A phone call later in the afternoon from Trainer gave me some hope in his friends pool- he has this friend, who is kinda metro sexual, but he is a cop…..!!! hold the phone…!! did you say cop!!!:) My only question to that- is he lickable

Flowers=phone sex?

You know that moment that happens right before a moment.  Before you fall on your ass on the ice, before he leans in and kisses you for the first time, before he gets down on one knee with a ring, the moment you know the SURPRISE is for you….that is when we think pure uncensored thoughts.  The  Oh My God moment.  It is all uncontrolled and your brain shoots out thoughts before you have a chance to really think what you would like yourself to think. 

I had one of those moments today.  Today my secretary came around my cubicle, with a few other women trailing behind and gushing, and handed me a big bouquet of flowers.  All wrapped in tissue and then handed over the card.  That first thought was they were from Bill. My stomach jumped a bit and my mind and my heart in sync thought here we go.  But then I caught up with the rest of me and said no, no. Perhaps they are from Dustin, maybe this is the beginning of something else….then my whole being caught up with me and thought who the fuck are these from?

Everyone stood around me like they were my new BFF’s and waited for me to open the card.  I couldn’t open it on the slight chance it was from Bill and I would have to keep myself together.  But then I flipped the envelope over and saw it wasn’t from the florist by our office, the one he would use.  Seeing how the ladies were ready to piddle themselves all asking me if it was my anniversary? Birthday? Make-up flowers? Special occasion?  I had to open it in front of them. Thanks for ruining this for me ladies. 

They were from Jay.  With a card that droned on about how much he loves me and blah blah.  The guy is NOT getting the hint.  I’ve been straight with him, I’ve tried everything but he says he is still holding out.  Well, you are wasting your time sweetheart and need to get a grip.  It has been YEARS.  I even went so far as not talking to him for several months in a row thinking that would cool him off, but to no avail.  So now I have gorgeous flowers on my desk that just remind me of all the flowers Bill gave me.  What a combination, I know.  I gave Jay a polite call after work to say thanks and he apparently thought I owed him phone sex.  Yes, I just said that.  Really?, because that has also been YEARS and I don’t have class tonight and would like to go to the gym now.  Thanks again for the flowers.  

The good news is, my underwear was on straight today.

My underwear day

Bear is at that point in her life where I feel like I spend every 5 minutes telling her to focus.  But then there is that TV flickering or something shiny or THEN she remembers those teeth I told her to brush 6 hours ago.  There was an incident the other day where she was getting dressed.  Really it shouldn’t take that long but I turned around and there she was with underwear on backwards and inside out and in the middle of dressing something caught her eye in a book and the rest of the clothes are no longer important. 

Dude…doesn’t that feel weird?  She glances down, shrugs her shoulders at me and proceeds to read.  I’m left standing there wondering where her brains are.

In the past two days I have been left wondering where the hell my OWN brains are.  I have had a hell of a time making it out the door to get to work. I have made it all the way into my truck before I notice I still have on my slippers then return for my goloshes only to realize once I got to work- forgot my heels.  Thank God I didn’t have a meeting that day.  Everyone kept asking me where my Ark was.  Screw you.  If you see Noah and he is hot- send him my way.

This morning?  Well this morning I ran around, after I overslept, only to get a few miles down the road and see that my purse did not accompany me out the door.  Why the hell it didn’t scream “Hey Wait” when I walked out with everything else, I have no idea.  Needless to say I was late for work. 

As if the world was not putting me into enough of a tail spin the past few days I go into the bathroom at work this morning, look down at myself and realized something wasn’t right.  My adorable black thong didn’t look right….because it was inside out.  I’m walking around with my VS tag on the outside.  I get no one can see it but I KNOW.  So much for MY focus.  This is enough to screw up my whole day.  My underwear is inside out…what if a hot cop pulls me over at lunch and wants to have crazy sex?  How stupid do I look…yes, I shaved my legs this morning and my downtown train station was taken care of last week but I look like a moron because that’s my sexy wear….inside out.  The only reason it isn’t backwards? Well, because that feels funny in a thong.  Although after this realization it FELT inside out and wrong the rest of the day.  Sure, I could have gone in the bathroom, taken off my shoes and actually pulled off clothing and rearrange it all the correct way but THAT seemed ackward.  Sex on the bosses desk….not ackward….turning my underwear right side around….ackward.

I was never so happy to come home tonight and strip down my clothes as I walked down the hallway.  I grabbed a new pair of underwear, pulled them on and went to grab a sweatshirt.  I made it about 5 feet before I realized that I was both inside out and backwards.  Butt in the front with the tag staring up at me from the outside.  I was embarrassed for myself.  Rock on.  Apparently there is something in the air. I decided to just go without underwear for the night, focus while getting dressed tomorrow, and not yell at Bear while she is dressing.  And oh yea, I had a date tonight…..

Kind of like a habit, like we would do it everyday

In High School Dustin’s best friend got pregnant her Senior year with her boyfriend.  When that baby boy was born they were married.  A few years later baby boy #2 came along.  Baby boy #2 was our ring bearer and we shared some fun moments with this couple of the past several years. In the middle of my dirty mistress era with Bill, Dustin and I found out the couple were seperated and moving towards divorce.  The husband had cheated and with that he left, moving into the bachelor pad he never had and trying the dating world he never touched. 

Dustin was crushed over this seeing as we all thought they were going to make it.  Starting out young didn’t seem to hurt them any, but apparently we were wrong.  We didn’t hear from the couple for a while and gossip eventually died down and most assumed the divorced had happened.  The details are fuzzy but counseling was involved and soon they moved back in together.  Not long ago Dustin emailed them to share our news, if you want to call it that, and they shared their news that they were expecting. Last Monday she gave birth 3 months early to twin boys.  Number 3 and 4. The boys are fighting hard and there is a positive outlook for these 1.5 lb babies. 

Today we drove down to have lunch with the family as they took a break from the hospital.  I spent a lot of time sitting back and watching.  The two older boys spent a lot of time informing us which infant was their favorite and both parents sat across from us with this aura about them.  I recognized it well, Bill and I had that. It was what people always said they saw in us.  They were a team facing a challenge in front of them.   He protectively held his arm around his wife and held her hand.  They shared stories about their tough little babies and all the plans they have moving forward.  The gave each other looks that only they knew what they meant.  When we walked out he took her hand and kissed her forehead while their boys ran around.  They beat the odds, they hit a rough patch and they made it through.  Without knowing the details of how and why, all is forgiven and they are moving forward. 

I found myself unable to look them in the eyes.  I felt like a fraud sitting next to Dustin when the act clearly looked all wrong.  He is doing his best to keep his wall up and ignore everything.  We walked with all the space in the world between us and the other couple leaned in towards each other.  I had that once, sitting next to me.  Someone who loved me and gave me just that look.  My heart jumped a couple beats as I was quickly transported back to him running his hands through my hair, grabbing my belt loops and pulling me towards him…How quickly your world can change, shift, and alter.  It can be fixed though and through that, new life and a new path.  Funny how things have a way of working out but it does take a little time. 

One of my favorite Grey’s Anatomy Quotes often reminds me of the last kiss Bill and I had.  It was the same moment…I’ll be right back…you’ll be here and I will too and our lives will be perfect.   We don’t know when our world is going to come crashing down, we don’t know when we will have to test our limits, we don’t know when we are going to have to fight for our children, our families, and those that we love but we will and I will because that is what we do.

“I was running late for surgery, you said you were going to see me later, and you went to me, put your hand on my chest and you kissed me. Soft. It was quick. Kind of like a habit. You know, like we’d do it everyday for the rest of our lives. And you went back to reading the newspaper and I went to work. That was the last time we kissed.” -Derek Shepherd

Baby steps towards being self sufficient

In the theme of being a big girl adult, I’ve tried to do more things on my own.  Some may be small and some are much larger and will happen over time but I do what I can now. For instance, I got really pissed the other day when I couldn’t  get the champagne bottle open myself.  I spent a good ten minutes trying to get that fucker open and ended up with every kitchen utensil out on the table.  I gave up and just went for a bottle of wine that took another ten minutes to open but eventually I had a form of liquid.  When I went to sit my ass down to enjoy the fruits of my labor there was a loud pop from the kitchen which caused me to jump off the couch so fast I spilled my wine all over myself and grabbed my phone to call the hot cops to come save me.  But no worries, the champagne bottle popped on its own.  I now have two bottles of alcohol open and just myself.  This could be a problem. 

I’m getting better during the nights about not listening to every noise.  I shut my door completely.  Check, check double-check the door locks and make sure the candles are out.  Dustin walked into my room the other day and asked what I was prepared for in bed.  His side has become my extra nightstand apparently.  Kleenex box, house phone, heart medicine (because really in an episode when not breathing I can’t really be bothered to go to the kitchen on my own) bottle of water, and 6 pillows. Don’t worry the bat is just on the other side of me against the wall.  But I’m sleeping at night and possibly ready for warfare or a sad lifetime movie. 

I’m overcoming other fears.  Such as the car wash.  Some of you may laugh at me but hey, we all have our fears.  I am perfectly fine going through those automatic chambers when someone else is driving.  I won’t bat an eye.  I have never once, till two days ago, driven inside a car wash by myself and in the driver’s seat no less.  By myself in the passenger’s seat, yes, but that is a story for another day.  I am in fear those doors will close behind me and never open again.  Perhaps the whole machine will quit working and I can’t open my door and I’m stuck in the forever.  Worse yet what if that whole thing is having a bad day and some swinging arm comes crashing through my window.  Did you watch the 90’s version of Land of the Lost when you were little?  The earth just opened up and their Jeep fell through the earth to where the dinosaurs lived.  Yes, I’m sure that is what happens inside car washes.  But I made it through.  Barely breathing I popped out on the other side with a clean truck and a happy man who dried off my truck so it wouldn’t all freeze.  I gave him a large tip for making sure I came out unscathed.  

My other main purpose to writing this post tonight was to completely ignore the Spanish homework I have in front of me.  Baby steps towards adulthood, or something like that.