Just a normal family on a bench with a 10 year old

She held my hand until the last second, until we rounded the corner but right then her world was complete.  She took off through a crowd of people because we saw him at the same time.  She flew off that last step straight into his arms, knowing he would catch her.  I caught up and he gave me a quick hug and we went to find a bench. 

I’m sure we looked nothing out of the ordinary sitting there on a beautiful evening.  People walking by would have thought we were just any other family.  Dustin looked over his glasses at me while Bear talked non-stop, trying to catch us up on everything possible.  She held Dustin’s hand and rubbed my arm, she always has this thing for touching my skin.

We acknowledged with silent looks that we now had a ten-year-old sitting between us. We discussed so much on the phone the day before as we were what the other needed on the actually day of her birthday.  Only the second birthday we had never been with her for. It was an early call as we drove ourselves to work, both pretending not to be crying as we talked about the the little fat pudge she used to be.

But at this point it was okay.  She was whole, she was here, she was happy.  To anyone else we were a normal family that hadn’t had weeks of heartache.  We didn’t look like the people who hadn’t kissed their child goodnight in 7 weeks.  We didn’t look like the people who had a divorce. For 30 minutes we gave her our whole attention and told her how much we loved her.  We told her that no matter what happens we always want her, even if people tell her otherwise.  Her face lit up like she had been unsure of that fact recently.

And the normal looking parents pulled their sunglasses back on their face because no, they weren’t crying.  I heard another family walk by arguing with their daughter about buying clothes.  I wished for a second that was the only issue we had right now.  Instead of sitting on a bench trying to handle our most difficult, unending situation.

The time finally came where it was time for us to part ways.  Dustin was taking her for a few days and then I would pick her up from him for a few days.  We walked down the sidewalk as she held both of our hands wanting us to swing her upwards towards the sky like we did when she was little.  Quickly learning she is entirely to tall for that now and I’m entirely too short for that now. 

One last hug and kiss for her and off they went to his truck.  I stood there briefly watching them, Dustin looking back at me for one more wave.  Ten years.  Ten years we have managed this.  Our family has grown with Hardscape and Dustin’s girlfriend but it is all around one 10-year-old. Somehow it just all keeps going forward, life.  It all keeps working out.  I turned to head to my truck because all I wanted now, that I knew she was safe with her Daddy, was to sit with Hardscape and exhale for the first time in 7 weeks. And last night I slept, I slept without nightmares.

Happy 10th Birthday Bear

Dear Bear-

Today you are 10.  Double digits.  I remember when I turned 10.  I was so excited yet so afraid of those double digits.  It is a huge step and I can’t believe we are there. 

As always Bear you have had a big year.  You have done more growing up then I could have imagined, in such a short amount of time and we could call this the growing year.  I could call it that for many reasons.  We spent a fortune on clothes this year.  The second you were in one size, you were on to the next.  All these arms and legs shooting out of you and we couldn’t keep up.  Not that you were bothered by new jeans and shoes every few weeks.  Like the jersey in this picture.  I remember telling Dustin, when you were two, that you would never fit into it.  You both proved me wrong.

You started off being 9 rather well and celebrating big. You were desperately sad that me, Aunt Sue and Lisa were all ditching you to go to our annual Kenny Chesney concert.  The best was presenting you with a cowboy hat that had your own ticket in it just hours before the concert.  You spent your first concert 2 rows back singing every song.  Even better, Daddy was there just a section behind us.  You were able to spend the opening acts with him and he was able to see you lay down, in the middle of Kenny, to take a quick nap.  It was a night I will never forget and I know you won’t either.  To see through your eyes, something that I love, for the first time was amazing. 

We took a weekend to travel to the other side of the state, just us girls, for a dear friends wedding.  It was 5 long hours of talking and watching movies. I’ve noticed more this year than most I glance over my shoulder at you in the back seat and I’m amazed there is such a big girl back there.  One lost in thought as she watches the fields go by.  I ask you what you are thinking and the little girl jumps back into those eyes and says nothing.  We danced our hearts out at the wedding that night and laid in the hotel room in the darkness talking afterwards.  Another night I will never forget.  You questioned weddings and life in general and you were so amazed by everything you witnessed that day.  Even more excitement would come nine months later by the brides baby arrival. You were so excited for her baby because it is the first girl out of all these boys that surround us!

We spent our summer doing what we do best, hanging out at the beach and golfing.  Your golf game is getting more realistic with each year and you are such a water baby.  Some day you won’t want to be seen with me at a beach but these are the summer memories that I have with my Mom and I hope you carry them on with your own babies.  They are memories that no matter where you are on a warm day you can raise your face to the sun, take a deep breath and be there.

That summer you also played softball.  Baseball runs from your Daddy to you and it was so fun to see you dive into something you have known by heart.  It was so fun to see your Dad sit and watch you, totally mesmerized.  The day you put on that catchers outfit though I was done.  Tears ran behind my sunglasses as I pictured the million of hours I watched your Dad take the same stance, leaning on his right leg, gloved hand cocked on his hip, holding the mask with his hand.  I would always fall in love with him more when he did that.  I couldn’t believe you did the same thing.

In the fall your entered 4th grade and it was a tough year. You struggled with staying on task and keeping up in general.  The thing is, you fought. You were willing to learn and you tried.  That is all we ask of you, is that you try with everything you have and we know you will make it.  You are a smart girl and we are so proud of you.

This was the year that your Daddy built a house and moved in with his girlfriend and Hardscape and I were engaged.  We are well past all the firsts of being without Daddy and we are settled into our new lives.  You handled it all with such grace and embraced what most would have thought difficult.  I hoped you learned what we hoped to show you – that divorce can be growth and love can be full no matter how many people are involved.

This was the year you seemed to become a bit more social.  You had so many slumber parties and good times with friends. You can’t seem to detach from the boys downstairs and had one heck of a New Years Eve party with them that included a video we will surely embarrass you with at your high school graduation.  Together you guys would have lemonade stands, take your sleds down every snow mound and pile in beds to read books until you fell asleep.  I’m sure one day you will be mortified that you and McCoy fell asleep on the floor together.

The year held campfires, your first motorcycle ride, trips back home to my Mom’s, the zoo and your new-found desire for playing with make-up. The tween years are barreling at us with every picture of Justin Bieber that goes up and I savor every moment you want to spend  playing with your Barbie’s and dolls.  I know those days are packing up soon and leaving us.  You already like closing your bedroom door and spending time with your radio turned up while you write your own song lyrics while wearing my 3 inch heels that you are certain completely fit you.  Which truth be told you are three sizes away but that doesn’t mean you are going to wear them:)

It has been a tough ten years Bear and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.  You have been the most unexpected thing for me and your Dad and it seems so many others.  We are so proud of how you have handled what life has given you and I pray each night that you will continue to be safe, make good decisions and know that we will always love you no matter what. You will always be our baby Bear.

We all love you.  Happy 10th Birthday.

6 months meant 6 years…6 Very long years

If you have been around my blog for a while then you know the hatred I have for my apartment.  I’m hitting the 6 year mark when it was merely supposed to be for 6 months.  I’m tired of this old building, the plaster falling down on the walls, the tired AC, the old windows that let in every bug in.  The charm that everyone loves about it when they walk in doesn’t work on me any longer. 

I want out so bad I can’t even explain it.  We have been looking for homes for sale but I live in a small town where the options are slim.  Even trying to find a house that we can work on is just not happening.  About a month ago I had a breakdown AGAIN and we talked AGAIN about what we were going to do.  Building seems to be the best option.  Now we have to find land and a builder.

We spent our weekend looking at every 2 acre spot possible within a 2 mile limit of town.  Assessing ones we have looked at a million of times.  Then Saturday we went to the Parade of Homes.  Basically you go all over the city looking at homes and talking to the builders.  Towards the end of the day we wandered into one and didn’t leave for over an hour. 

We found our builder and we love him.  AND Hardscape didn’t find any code violations in this home or any other reason why he would find it necessary to tell a person how they obviously have no idea HOW to build a home.  Yes, this is an issue when Hardscape knows to much.

There are a million reasons we are going with this builder that I will spell out later but first a thousand other things have to fall into place for this to actually work.  For the first time though, I feel like we have some hope.  I feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel for Hardscape and I to get the fuck out of this place and move on with our lives in a place that is just ours.  A place that doesn’t hold the ghosts of my past.  A place where we can build our life together.  Time to cross our fingers and pray.

My fears make sense to me

I have a few fears, like most everyone.  Some that make perfect sense and some that don’t.  Like currently Hardscape has been out-of-town (we have a lot of this lately) and I have to sleep with my bedroom door shut, not open.  I have resorted immediately back to my pre-Hardscape living days. But this is a fear that makes sense.

My fear of car washes.  Makes no sense.  Currently I am driving Hardscapes diesel truck (which is larger than mine) and it is dirty.  I don’t drive dirty trucks.  Everyone knows this but I can’t go through a car wash by myself because I’m petrified the doors will close and I will be locked in.  Then soon the water won’t turn off, the place will fill and I will drown.  Putting together my fear of drowning and enclosed spaces, this all makes perfect sense to me.  Then they spray that stuff on the windows and you can’t even see out and all this is followed by loud noises.  Ugh.  Let me note, I can go through one if another adult is with me, no panic attack needed.

You see my dilemma here, right? Scary, right? Who wouldn’t be afraid of those death traps?  And before you go saying you can’t get stuck, you can.  Hardscape was stuck in one a few weeks back and the number was inside the stall so a man had to come free him.  As he laughed telling me this I was certain his death was coming and this only flared up my fear.

Pre-divorce my truck was detailed once a week and/or Dustin washed it.  The first car wash I went through by myself post Dustin, well, I made him be on the phone with me the entire time.  And I survived.  I will now only use two car washes or wash the truck by hand. 

I think it is safe to say I have handled half the fear and that is close enough.  Hardscape just has a job to do when he comes home tonight.

What is your perfectly rational/irrational fear?  I know I’m not the only one.

My Weekend in Pictures-A quiet Getaway

I knew going into this past weekend that it was going to be tough.  My first Mother’s Day without Bear. Really, that is all I’m going to say about that.  Hardscape and I had been working a ton and we knew we need a bit of a get away.  I couldn’t stand the thought of staying home yet he needed relaxation.  We chose a Lodge in the middle  of no where with not much to do but hike trails, enjoy the outside, play golf (Hardscape purchased brand new clubs this weekend!) and drink wine.  Perfect.

Mother nature produced quiet companions as we walked.

Along with perfect weather, clear skies and no wind.

Somewhere in the forest we found where the animals get their mail.

We also found we are very good at taking pictures of ourselves in the middle of no where.

Confession: We take our scrabble board everywhere.  Yes, one will come to Mexico with us because we have travel Scrabble.  We played while catching up on random TV and gossip magazines.

We spent our evening on the back deck talking and enjoying wine. Then found an open couch in the lobby where everyone seemed to congregate to listen to the piano and consume more wine.  I fit right in.

And then I helped myself to some engraved wine glasses. To be fair I did pay for one.  I have no idea how the other three made it into my room. (Also, horrible picture.  Like woah.)

Hardscape took this picture for you.  Not even to prove we had sex but to let you know we had no idea that was how you say Do Not Disturb in Spanish. 

There is something about 36 hours of no worries, no distractions, no time restraints and just one another.  There is something in fresh air to calm the system.  There is something to be said for an amazing weekend with the man you love.

Should you just assume divorce as an option?

I recently had a conversation with a young woman who looked me in the eye and said to me “I’m going on the fact that if we stick it out in this relationship, turn it into a marriage then I’m going in knowing divorce could be an option one day.”

I then pulled myself up off the floor and reminded myself I once thought the same.  I thought the same as I stood in a wedding dress, feeling lack of emotion.  I thought the same thing as I stood on my wedding day feeling out of sorts.  I thought the same thing through countless days and hours in a marriage.  Which is never what a person should truly think if it is true love.

This young woman who I had the discussion with had a reason.  Her and her boyfriend are young, still in college and really, have no direction in life.  After years of college they have no idea what they want to do when they grow up.  Forget 5 year plan, they don’t even have a one year plan.  They live with parents or crash with friends.  They have no communication with one another but have started dropping marriage words.  She believes that divorce is an option  because you never know how a person will change in life.  She believes they could grow apart, want different things and why then would they stay together?  She backed this with saying her very religious friend thinks the same thing.  Like this was a perfect statement?!?

Hardscape and I are going into our marriage with neither one of us believing divorce is an option.  Period.  Religion based or not. I will not divorce again.  Learning divorce should not be an option is a hard lesson to learn.  Obviously it was to me and several of you.  We walked the divorce path with probably most of us not to surprised we would.  Here is a case of a woman going down the same road traveled by so many before her. 

I believe the fear of life changes and personal growth changes should not scare you out of a marriage.  It should be something that you can embrace as a couple.  A way to grow your marriage together.  That is why conversations about where you see yourself in life should take place prior to a marriage.  If you are on two different journeys in life then why force something to work that isn’t meant to?  Marriage should feel like a natural next step not a forced step to bid some time.

I was a bit floored that her only reasoning was people change and you can’t help that but essentially you can divorce that.  Is this becoming the norm in society?  Is this just one of the reasons why divorce is so high?  Do younger people look at marriages as easily disposable?  Do some just see A marriage as a stage or a phase for them? 

I can bet they would have a change of heart if they sat down with a few people who once thought the same thing.  And if you are one of those people thinking divorce is the answer and you aren’t even married yet, then let me share something I wish someone told me.   A divorce is fucking tough shit.  There is nothing simple or easy about it.  It is hard.  That is what people don’t understand.  That is what people don’t talk about.  Most importantly: You don’t want it to be an option if it doesn’t have to be.

Does Love Have to Fade?

It was a rare moment in our crazy life in the past two weeks.  Hardscape and I sat down on Wednesday night and had an hour to talk and just be together on the couch.  He has worked 12 days straight and is exhausted, many of our days starting anywhere from 3:45 am to 5am.  We hit bed around 11pm after a late night work out with just no breaks.  We miss each other.  I have gone to bed at night and told him as much.  I crave time with him and I know he feels the same. 

To all of this a friend rolled her eyes at me the other day and had something to say on the matter.  Who the hell has time to sit with their husband and ask how their day went?  The days of us doing that are long ago.  Hell, we are thrilled if we even look each other in the eye once during the day. It is cute you two are still in that beginning stage.  Wait till life takes over.

To this I immediately say NO.  I refuse to do that with Hardscape and I.  My ex and I managed that life style just fine and look at where that got us.  Hardscape and I work at this.  We check in with one another.  We genuinely want to sit and talk on the couch about anything or everything or how our week is going, even if for 10 minutes.  I refuse to fall into a life of cohabitation.  So if we have to carve out time at midnight to sit down and talk then we do. 

Is it just easier for some to say the swoon worthy love fades and we should all just get over it?  Is it easier to use that as an excuse instead of even trying?  Why does it have to?  It may not always be the first date butterflies and life may get busy but why can’t you fall in love all over again on a Wednesday on the couch? 

Without some swoon worthy love with your significant other where does that put you?  What is the point in being in a relationship by that point but to have someone else wrangle kids and add to the bank account?  Do you sit, at 80 years old, on the porch swing wishing you did it a little better?

I may not understand why other people do it the way they do but I do know what I want.  I think we are fairly realistic that life gets busy but we are willing to work at it.  We want to have focus with one another. Whether that means leaving new bat man boxers in his drawer for him to find or him filling my gas tank and leaving me a reeses in the cup holder.  I want us to have more than *maybe* eye contact during the day. 

To end our past couple weeks of no days off we are holing up in a lodge in the middle of a no where to play golf, hike and have sex this weekend.  Do me a favor, don’t settle, throw some swoon into your relationship this weekend too.  You might just surprise yourself.

Happy Friday!

Cupcakes and Frosting

This cupcake buying is getting out of hand but we have finally picked a place to make our wedding cake.  I’m in love with their pink champagne cupcakes with cream cheese frosting which is why that one with the Reeses in it was licked clean before Hardscape could eat it.

170 days to go….

A Mental Health Break

Last night I walked back into my therapists office and we practically danced in a circle when we hugged and said hello.  I was so happy to see her and that alone was an odd feeling.  As I sat in the lobby waiting for her I felt a rush of emotions.  I remembered how I used to feel when I walked in that door, a mess of emotions and trying to straighten out my life. The last time I walked out those doors I was better but not healed completely.

I took my old spot on the worn couch and she exclaimed how much we had to catch up on.  How long ago HAD it actually been since I sat on that couch?

November 2009.

So, forever ago? Right.

She flipped through my file talking excitedly as I flipped through my mental file and tried to figure out what November 2009 was like.  Where was I at with everything? Drunk.  Rum.  Still crying.  Lonely.  It was all very blurry.  I felt like I was being tugged down the rabbit hole.  Dustin hadn’t even moved out of the apartment yet.  We were getting ready to spend our last Christmas together.  That was two jobs ago!! 

I felt like I conquered something amazing as she sat and grinned at me while I talked. I verbally vomited everything that happened since then.  As I talked I saw the mountain I climbed ever so slowly. Dustin moving out. Learning to live on my own.  Dating. Traveling. Building a whole new group of friends. Taking on a new job.  Meeting Hardscape.  

She asked all the appropriate questions and stopped to congratulate me where need be.  We finally rounded the corner and smacked into the topic of Bear and I just kept on.  I summarized everything about her since November 2009.  I let it flow and it felt just like it does when I type here.  No judgement, no restraints, no confusion, no looking for someones scrutinizing face.  Not saying that I haven’t appreciated every last comment from all of you but it felt good to have a real person assure me of things.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m being selfish, sometimes I think myself in a circle, sometimes I wonder if I’m doing it all wrong, sometimes I wonder if my Uncle IS right.  My therapist looked me in the eye to remind me that she is the professional (she works with a lot of kids, knows the system well) and I’ve done everything right while my Uncle has fucked up a lot.

That is when I finally exhaled and cried tears of relief.  This is what I needed.  I explained how sometimes I just don’t know where I need to go with all of this so that is why I called. I feel backed into a corner and I don’t know how to fight my way out. 

I walked out feeling a lot better than I have in the past few weeks.  I felt like a tiny bit of weight is off my shoulders.  I feel like I can let my faith be bigger than my fear again if I just go one day at a time.

Couples who workout together….Try not to puke on each other during plyo

If you follow me on Twitter then you already know that Hardscape and I have taken on the task of the infamous P90X workout.  If you don’t know what that is then you must live in a box and I suggest you Google it. 

Our main reasoning was because Hardscape needs to drop a few lbs.  Before you go bashing on me that I should love the big teddy bear just how he is, I’m just going to stop you right there.  In the Army you have to pass a physical test and when you don’t, that is bad, simply put.  He didn’t pass, it is time to make changes. 

A few things led down this road.  When he was deployed he worked out constantly and kept in shape.  Then his shoulder and knees went out last deployment.  Then he met me.  Then he learned to eat healthy but he ate more.  See the loss of balance?

We tried for months to get him to hit the gym with me but that was an epic fail due to the hours we keep and his new job.  We only have so many gym options in a small town.  After ruling out 4 rounds of sex a day and other calorie burning options he decided P90X would be worth it so we jumped on the bandwagon. 

There we stood in the middle of the living room with all the furniture pushed back thinking this would be a quick 1,2,3 workout and then I could be back to my wine glass.  Because, you know, I’m decently in shape and he used to be…hahahaha…we were wrong. It kicks your ass but in a good way and we are only 9 days into it.

A few things though-the instructor is a total tool and being a yogaholic I don’t like the yoga set they do. 

This is also time-consuming as hell.  As with any at home regimen you have to be dedicated.  The shortest workout night we have is an hour.  The longest is 1 1/2 hours.  Every. Night.  We don’t do the optional nights off because we have been held up by Army a few times already so we figured we should just keep going while we can. There are some nights Hardscape is getting home at 10 and we are starting then.  No excuses.

It has been a blast though and I never thought we would have so much fun doing this.  I spend a lot of time prancing like a duck and he spends a lot of time smacking my ass with bands.  Or in workout terms he helps me with my weights and I help his yoga form.  It has been something to do together without walking along next to one another on treadmills from hell.   We push one another just a bit more and try not to puke on one another during plyometrics.  Here is to the next 81 days.

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