I’ve had a crappy couple past 24 hours it seems. Not a lot of bright and shiny moments. With all the cheating in the news I figure I could help everyone out.
Sometimes there are the brave souls that step up and ask the “affair” questions. Such as Where did you go to have sex? How did you keep it a secret so long? What lies did you have to tell? and then the deep ones such as Didn’t you feel horrible? Didn’t you think about what you were doing? Let me reiterate by saying I never thought I would be one of “those” people. Of course plenty of people think it can never happen to them and they fill in the blanks on how they would handle it. Unfortunately I think it goes with the saying of until you have walked in those shoes. The funniest thing I have been asked is how do I know if my spouse is cheating? Well, open your eyes and look at the obvious. If not, here is my list. You can take it for what it’s worth.
1) The old “I”m working late excuse.” Even if they do call from the office it doesn’t mean they don’t have someone on their desk with their skirt up. That is the obvious one! Especially when they have the hot chick in the office you have questioned from day one that you know your husband thinks is hot. Drop by and say hello.
2) Your husband thinks someone in the office is hot.
3) After you are married they shouldn’t suddenly become really good friends with someone of the opposite sex.
4) If they weren’t attached to their cell phone before at 10 at night, they don’t need to be now. Their phone does not need to accompany them to the bathroom at home.
5) Extra trips to the bathroom for extra long times doesn’t mean their food is disagreeing, they are just texting back.
6) Hello, check the detailed cell phone bill. A man of 41 doesn’t suddenly learn to text over night and go through 1000 texts a month.
7) I used to bring up Bill more in conversation. There was no need if I wasn’t giving him a blow job on the lunch hour. He brought me up so much D told him my name was banned in the house. That was 3 weeks after the first round in bed.
Bill used to leave in the evenings to call me. He went to the grocery store a lot. Or the convience store to buy more chew, that he quit for me, and she never noticed.
9) Lack of sex. This may not be true for some women but no matter what, when a guy quits asking for sex, he is getting it somewhere else.
10) When he says phrases such as “I’m not happy” “I don’t want to have sex” “I want a divorce” “You have changed” “You are a bitch” “We shouldnt have married”
11) When he sleeps in the guest room. Or you throw him to the guest room because he annoys you and he doesn’t fight you on it.
12) When they jump 10 ft in the air if you just touch them to move around them. Or they refuse to sit on the same couch as you. They may feel like they are touching their sister/brother ackwardly enough.
13) They constantly pick fights. Like how you are folding the towels or why you can’t remember to bring the fucking case of water in the house.
14) They talk you out of going on a vacation together. After you have been talking about it for a year. Suddenly they are very interested in work during the slowest time of the year.
15) When plans of the future come up they get squimish and change the subject. Such as buying a home, having a child, or any other future plan beyond 3 o’clock tomorrow.
16) They seem to be in their own world all the time…and that appears to be the only time they are happy.
17) Ask to see the business credit card or check out the work computer….hello stuff you never want to find.
18) Body language
19) Do they suddenly seem interested in new things, things they don’t want to do with you?
20) No girl has that many errands to run every single Saturday.
21) No he did not just spend 6 hours on a Saturday shopping for your birthday present.
22) When you are suppose to be “stopping by” to check on a friends house while they are out of town, that should be a 2 min ordeal you can both do. Not one that he has to go by himself to handle for 4 hours.
23) They do not go out to eat every day for lunch alone just because no one else in the office wants to join them. They just don’t want a threesome.
24) They take a shower the second they get home….my husband knows what sex smells like on me.
25) D had no clue what sex smelled like because she hates sex. Bill didn’t have to worry about the showers.
26) Men CAN control peeing in the bath tub. Dont ask. Just know that one.
27) She suddenly has a lot of new underwear. And they didn’t come home in a grouping of 5 or 6 from VS because that is the way the sale works. One at a time means something is up.
28) They quit saying I love you.
29) The cell phone is password protected
30) They are going out more with their friends on the weekend…no they aren’t having beers up the street they are having sex.
31) It isn’t always a work function so much as a damn good excuse
Did I miss any:) Let me know!
Excellent list. The one that snared me (other than my ex-lover’s loose lips) was item #6. The text message giveaway. By the time my wife got hip to things and checked our detailed phone bill (something she had never done before), there were thousands upons thousands of text exchanges between me and other woman.
Items 13, 16, 18 and 19 also resonate.
BTW, I’m not proud of any of this crap. I’ve managed to hang onto my marriage after cheating on my wife. But if I had a nickel for every time I’ve gone over this “list” of giveaways in my head, I’d be a very rich adulterer.
Pleaese…PLEASE explain the pee pee one!!! : (
OK so I explained it. In another post. I guess it is just one that has to be out there:)