I drove home last night trying to remember the details. Those weeks are such a blur in my head. Hell. It all runs together. So excuse me if this post gets confusing but I’ll try and get it out the best I can.
There was a week there where things were getting stressful. D was making it beyond stressful on Bill. All we talked about was her bullshit and it was wearing on both of us. We decided a night out without mentioning either of the spouses we were divorcing was in order. We went out for drinks, got tanked and had great sex. I thought that fixed that problem. We just had to not let them get to us, more so D.
Another night soon after we were watching TV on the couch and I couldn’t tell you what happened. Bill went to bed mad and I’m still not sure why. I slept on the couch. The next morning I got up and he was already at work and there was a note saying we needed to talk. OK. He came home from work and we sat and hashed out a few things. I was so tired of D. I was more frustrated by how she wore Bill down and stressed him out. Bill and I made a pact that we would stay out of each others divorces the best we could. Him and D were having one of those messy, ruin each other divorces and Dust and I were leaning on each other for support. I think Bill had a really hard time with that. He didn’t understand why Dustin and I could talk. Well we had a lot to talk out and we had no reason to hate each other. We only ever really had a friendship so there was no relationship to let go of. At this point I had no one else. No one in my family was talking to me. My friends were to floored to understand and some just plain didn’t want to be around me. I had Bill but our lives were so consumed by D and her actions that there wasn’t a lot of room for me to vent at the end of the day, just him.
After we talked things out Bill apologized for getting upset and I figured I needed to talk to Dustin about us not talking so much for awhile. I was still hurt though. I was hurt that it always seemed like Bill was the one apologizing. Don’t get me wrong I’m not saying I was perfect but there was a lot coming from his end. I just needed to get away. So I booked a ticket to England to see my best friend. Nic had just moved in with her man in their brand new place 4 days before hand and here I was stomping into town 4 days later. God I love her for being awesome. I just needed her.
Bill came back that afternoon from work and we sat on the chair together and we were perfect. I explained to him I was going to leave for a few days and he thought that would be good for me. Basketball on TV, a dozen roses on the counter, us snuggled on the chair. Everything was fine. I gave him one last kiss and I left for yoga. More than anything I wish now, I would have just stayed home.
After yoga I went to Dustins to talk out the fact that I was leaving town and that we needed to just not talk for awhile. No problem. I went home to Bill and he was furious. Furious that I stopped by Dustins and was having none of it. The fight started. This was a fight like I had never had before. The screaming, the tears, the cops should have been called by our neighbors, all the stress running out of us along with some horrible words. I couldn’t tell you what was said. I was packing a bag. There was no way either of us could stay around each other for the night. We needed to cool off. I remember turning around and he hit his knees to the ground and said please do not walk out on me. I absolutely was not walking out on him. We both just needed space for the night. I will never forget that look on his face for the rest of my life. Why didn’t I just grab him and hold on….he followed me into my truck….and got out…this would be the last time I saw him face to face….tears in our eyes fighting for what we were….
I remember stopping at the top of the street, hitting my brakes and thinking to just go back….I wish I did…
I drove all the way back to Dustins. I had no where else to go. I crawled in bed and cried all night. In the morning Bill called and said I think it is best if you move your stuff out and we take a step back. Saying I was pissed would not even describe it. He said he would help me move my stuff out. I told him to stay the hell away. In 2 hours I had my whole life packed up once again as the neighbors watched. I sat on the couch and cried before I got up and walked out. Back to Dustins I went. Back to the cage and hell.
No, this wasn’t the end…this still wasn’t the end of us….
