I saw Bill today

I often think about the moment I’ll see Bill again.  I did not plan on today being the day. Was it one of those 563 scenarios I have ran through my head? No.  Could it have been worse. Yes. The problem here is I had my guard down, I wasn’t thinking about details, where I was, or what time it was. Duh!

I went in this morning to sign my papers for my new job. Yay job! *happy dance* I then cruised over to pick up a CD for the short member of the family and took a look at the gas gage.  I’ll need some if my ass wants to make it home. The closest and cheapest is by Bills office which I was a few blocks from and my truck knows the way. I pulled into the closest stall by the side road, put in my credit card and looked up. There he was. In his truck 30 feet away and coming to a stop at the light. Right.There. In. Front. Of. Me.  Leaving work for lunch.

You can’t miss me.  My truck is bright yellow and I’m like a fucking ray of sunshine. I’m standing right there and I know through his tinted windows he sees me. I do a quick check on the back of my dress because I would be the one at this moment to have it tucked into my underwear. Then I thank God that I did put on a cute dress this am and did my hair and makeup so I don’t look like a bum but I just ate.  My Quiznos threatened to come up and it was all I could do to not puke.  I stared at his truck through my glasses and cursed the tint. 

I had never felt so empty in my life.  This had to be the longest red light in town.  It would have been our lunch time together.  In that truck.  The one I jumped into a thousand times. The one I never got out of unless he kissed me first. His rule. The one I sat in and held his hand as we watched our new couches being loaded in the back. The one I dreaded seeing pull away and now it couldn’t leave fast enough.  All the times of thinking where are you?  Now he is right there and I’m thinking what are you thinking?  There has to be some emotion. 

My truck is full but shit! I have to go down the same road he is pulling out on and now I’m driving 5 cars behind him with a million flashbacks of doing this before in my head.  When I left and followed him anywhere he would always call me.  My stomach flip flopped at another light and he turned left to head towards his house. Just like that he went down the hill and his tail lights were gone.  How many times did we always say that was the worst feeling…when the tail lights were gone?

I kept straight.  Shaking. He was right there. What the hell was running through his head? Then the tears came. I figured it was better than puking on my lap.