Lisa and I like to play this game where we make off the wall guesses on just what the hell happened. You know, with that guy I was planning on marrying. Take the other day for example, she took a pregnancy test and while I was waiting for any magical lines to appear, she started throwing out ideas. We are all cruising around my blog with our own ideas aren’t we? So I would like to hear some of them. Give me your off the wall or very possibly real theories, no matter how bad, funny, mean, stupid. Then if he does come around someday with an explanation (Erika:) we will see who is closest and I’ll owe them something special. That means you. You lurker that has yet to comment. Now is the time!
Don’t worry Lisa isn’t pregnant. I did the good supportive friend roll and shouted from the bathroom that first “Oh God! Yes, you are pregnant!” Just so I could see her face. Then I told her what the stick really said. No baby. Then we had a glass of champagne to sing our praises. This is why one should be having an affair with a man who had a vasectomy. Then the only thing you have to worry about is reversing the sucker. Yes, I did just say that. I’m very verbal this week.
Where were we? Oh yes, the top ten list in no particular order…
1) The main, sensible and obvious reason. The kids.
2) D is threatening him in some sort of way. This could be at any extreme.
3) D hired a hit man to follow his every move. So for the safety of everyone around him, he stayed with her to not encourage her rage.
4) D broke his penis and he didn’t think he could maintain our amazing sex life.
5) He hit his head and has severe memory loss. Like Samantha Who? That was a funny show. Why did they cancel that?
6) D is holding him hostage and no one has really figured out yet. Perhaps he should go on TV and blink out some messages.
7) He decided to be more like Jon Gosselin. Wait, that happened AFTER Bill left me.
Bill is protecting me from something. He was big on that. But what?
9) He was having multiple affairs like a valent politician and I was just one in the very long line up and didn’t know it.
10) He has to go in to the witness protection program.
Awh Gaby I feel all loved you went and introduced yourself. That must mean you trust I’m not outside your window half stalking you:) Serioulsy I told a friend of mine that I thought your idea was the best. She laughed her ass of but has known Bill for years and said the alien abduction might be closer than a sex change! haha
I’m with rules of breakup: He flaked.
He was too much of a chicken to risk it all.
My other one is that he was a pathological liar. He created an entire fantasy world where he was the victim. He got you, he had his midlife crisis and when it became too much of a reality (ie moving in together) he panicked and fled back to what he was used to.
And fo course there is the kids one. But even then, if she fought him for full custody, a judge ultimately decides…He should have seen a lawyer first to see what his options were…
Erika- I remember screaming at him that he was a liar and a fantastic actor at one point. All five years worth and he should have won an emmy!
nysoonergirl- Yea, Cancelled. I thought it was hilarious. But then again I laugh out loud at Friends reruns still.
He is an idiot! And perhaps crazy. Yes, crazy. Perfect thing to say straight out of lurking! You may go back into lurking stage now. Thanks for coming out:)
Ohhh, I’m that lurker that has yet to comment…. Sorry! Ok, first off, Samantha Who? was cancelled?! How’d I miss that?
And my reason: he’s an idiot. All men are idiots. And crazy. They say we’re the crazy ones, but I have solid proof that they are. Really. Very crazy. Every single one of ‘em.
I love this post – hilarious! My top 5:
* He’s actually a superhero, and you came too close to learning his secret.
* He realised you’re waaaaaaaay out of his league.
* He’s having a sex change.
* Alien abduction.
* He flaked. A lot of people who get a glimpse at a bright shiny new life that could give them everything they ever wanted lack the courage to sieze it because it gives them too much to lose. I think he’s one of them.
Rules of breakup-Thanks for the 5am laugh! The sex change is my favorite on your list!
Watch out for hairy ladies called Billie who try to make friends with you in the next six months…
By the way, it’s Gaby. Just like to keep it semi-anonymous in the blog.